The good. The bad. The ugly.

I have a lot of preggo friends on my facebook.  Boy, do they not even know what is going to hit them.  I am bound and determined to let you ladies know the good, the bad, and the ugly about pregnancy and child birth...It ain't pretty people.

So, you're pregnant!  Woo!  

The first thing many women think of (me being one of those poor, poor, fools) is no period for 9 months thank you sweet baby Jesus!

But guess what?  You're about to leak more crap in those 9 months than you would if you would have just had that lovely visit from Aunt Flo.


Gross I know...but it only gets more gross from here people.


So you're packing your hospital bag.  You're thinking about buying a pretty little hospital gown and cute little slippers to prance around the hospital in.  You're in for a treat.

That gown you just spent $75 on is about to be covered in all sorts of unrecognizable bodily fluids as you push your sweet little love child into the world.  Want to know what happened to my gown (gownS)?  Lets see... the first one ended up covered in vomit.  Yep, the pain was awesome.  So awesome I started throwing up all over the place!  The second gown?  Well that lucky little gown was on when my water broke all over the place.  It stayed on for a little bit longer as I popped P out.  Luckily my gown survived without being pooped on but I am sure it had every other bodily fluid on it.

and those slippers?

   The best advice I got in the hospital was from my nurse Arletta.

"Oh honey, you are NOT going to want to put those slippers on...trust me"

She said it in a tone that made me trust her.  I am glad I did.  As soon as I stood up for the first time I realized right then what she was talking about.  It was like someone turned on the faucet.  And I'm not talking about water people.  A bloody ol' shower.  R.I.P. sweet hospital socks.


I am so shy! I don't want people to see my woo-hoo.

This is going to stop about the time your pain starts.  Which is how I ended up in the shower talking to my midwife and Dustin during labor.  Butt naked.  Not giving a crap.  When the nursing student asked if she could stay for the birth I said sure, hold my leg.  Luckily I had shaved in the shower.  When the male doctor came in to check on my midwife I said Hi.  Feet up in the arm, pushing a baby out and I say Hi like I'm walking by him on the street.  When I stood up for the first time and had all sorts of stuff running down my legs I laughed!  Who wouldn't be embarrassed by that?  Apparently anyone who has given birth.

 And if you think any of that was bad just wait...

Arletta and this other nurse take me into the bathroom one takes a squirt bottle and cleans my woohoo area.  The other is taking my nasty gown off and putting me in some sweet mesh underwear and the biggest, baddest, maxi pad I had ever seen.  I was being tag teamed in the most embarrassing way ever. Did I care?  Maybe a little this time.  I apologized 100 times and they kept telling me I was crazy and they do this all day every day.  What a job...cleaning vaginas.

And thennnnn just when you think it's over.  You have the lactation people in checking out your boobies.  You have all the nurses coming in and checking your woohoo again.  You have to tell them about the hemorrhoid that is giving you fits from pushing your kid out.  You have to call the nurse to ask for ice for your vagina.  Soon you will be suffering from what I like to call "swamp ass".  You'll want to take 4 showers and day and still think you smell.  You'll be sweaty, dirty, mess.

  Nothing about giving birth is pretty.  But is it worth it?

100% absolutely positively YES.


and you'll probably want to go through all of this deliciousness again someday.

 Because us women, we are bat shit crazy.

Oh and speaking of giving birth...enter to win your baby a new outfit to wear at the hospital here.