Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday sweet, sweet, Peyton! Happy Birthday to you!
I have sat down to write this post a thousand times. Every single time I get choked up and can't even finish. My hard ass days are over. This girl right here...
has turned me into a sappy, emotional mess.
That's what love will do....
bitches
(see! I'm still hard as a rock)
Dear P,
February 10, 2010 you came into my life and changed my world forever. You had been there a few weeks longer but I didn't know about you yet. Although, I dreamed of you and hoped for you, and prayed for you every day before then. 624 days since that first moment I found out about you. And 624 I have spent loving you. Now, I can't imagine a life without you in it. You have made me so happy. You have made your daddy so happy. And I can see that that we are making you happy too. You are always smiling, always laughing, always having the time of your life. You have made me a better person. Everything I do, I think of how it will effect you. I'm not just living for myself anymore. Something I thought I would have to get used to but from that moment I saw two pink lines it came naturally.
It has been exactly one year since I first laid eyes on you. I can't believe it. How can this be? I feel like it was just last week that you were being placed on my chest. Warm, wet and slimy. I remember drying you off and waiting to hear your tiny little cry. I was crying too. Your daddy was falling in love (and crying too but don't tell him I told you) and I was falling more in love with him.
We had created the most perfect little being.
You.
Your first breath...took mine away.
A year seems like an eternity when you are young. Once you are older you realize just how short a year is. And when I saw how fast my first year with you went I realized it is now going by at light speed.
I read a blog awhile back where the girl counted the summers she had left with her babe before they moved out and on with their life. It made me think of your birthday and how we've already spent a year together. That means we only have about 17 more to go before you grow up and head out in the world by yourself.
But you can feel free to turn that 17 years into 30 if you want.
Of course, you will never be by yourself. In fact, I will probably stalk your ass.
Because that is what moms do.
Is 17 years enough time for me to prepare you for the world? Probably not. How does one prepare someone else for their life? I can try all I want but some of the hardest lessons of your life will be learned the hard way. Live and learn kid. It'll only make you a stronger, better, and smarter person. Trust me. I learned the hard way far too many times but I here I am, in a pretty perfect life with you.
I was looking back on all of our time together this past year. Many years of my life I thought were the "best years" but this has definitely topped even those. 365 days with you on earth? I don't think anything can beat that. Except the next 365...and the next...and the next...
What a long, long, road we've come down in such a short time. I remember our first day like it was yesterday. I remember seeing you for the first time and being so amazed at how beautiful you were. Not that I thought you'd be anything but beautiful but you came out
so perfect. So clean and pink and a round little head. I kept saying how beautiful you were and how you looked like daddy. I sent your picture to everyone and they all oooooed and aaahhhed over you. We slept (well, you slept) skin to skin with you on my chest your first night on earth. I couldn't put you down. You didn't want to be put down either. All I could do is just stare at you. Look at your little fingers and toes and count them over and over, rub your little head full of hair, feel your tiny little breaths against my skin, and just cuddle you. You were the most amazing thing I had ever seen. And poor Daddy. He spent his first night with you turning the air off and on for me. Hello, hot flashes! He didn't mind. He was so happy.
The moment we walked out of the hospital with our tiny little 24 hour old baby our lives changed forever. We had no idea what was in store for us. Our first couple months together were a struggle to say the least. Breastfeeding wasn't easy. You weren't the happiest baby in the world. But we pushed through. I did whatever I could to keep you from screaming. I was that mom sitting in the backseat of the car with you dancing and singing and acting a fool to try to get you to stop crying (and who am I kidding? I still usually sit back there with you!). I said I'd never cosleep but guess what? We were cosleeping from day one so you could cuddle up with me and sleep for once even if it meant I barely got any sleep myself. Breastfeeding was brutal between the bleeding and the pain. But all that seems like a decade ago. We learned together and figured out what worked and every day we are still learning. Motherhood isn't easy that's for sure.
You are awfully cute. That helped me get through your colicy days. I mean how could anyone be upset with that face? There's no way.
I watched you change from a little blob of adorable into a smiling, laughing little being.
And then into a sitting, smiling, laughing, talking little person By 5 months your personality was definitely shining through. We received comments from people all the time about your personality. It made me happy people noticed what a sweet, funny, little girl I had. And some (your pediatrician) even noticed your sassy attitude.
And by 8 months, you had morphed into a little diva. Posing for pictures and winning the hearts of everyone you met with your coy little smile.
By 9 months you were crawling all over the place. You loved this new found freedom and rarely wanted to cuddle. You also never wanted to sit still. Bedtime because crazy because with crawling came pulling up to stand and cruising. Now that you were on the move you didn't want to stop. It has been go, go, go since that day. At 10.5 months you popped your first tooth through. A little later than normally but in typical Peyton fashion. You were late arriving, late rolling over, late getting teeth, but when you do something you do it big. Once you rolled you didn't stop. Once you got a tooth you popped another one through within 5 days. There's nothing wrong with being fashionably late.
11 months.
Your last month as a little baby, P. It's been bittersweet hasn't it? You are so sweet. You love to cuddle with me again (thank you!). You love to get kisses. If I make a kissy face at you you stick your face up to me so I can kiss you. Your face when I do that is priceless. It is moments like those that I will never, ever, ever, forget and will cherish the rest of my life. I know these days are limited and someday you will be telling your friends how lame I am and I'll be telling you there is no way you came from my vagina with that attitude. So, I will soak up all this love and kisses while you still think I am the coolest person on the planet.
You are fiercely independent. You could entertain yourself for hours which comes in handy when I need to get things done but not so handy when I am trying to change your diaper and you are trying to crawl away. I can't count how many times I've turned to get a wipe and all I see is your booty flying across the room.
You love your daddy. Whenever he comes in the room you just light up. Every night we play together and you crawl all over daddy. He's like a giant jungle gym. When you see me I think you mostly think "mmm food" You know when I sit in your rocking chair it means it's time to eat. You will stop whatever you are doing and fly across the room to me. It's gotten to the point where I can't sit in it unless it is time to eat or else you freak out. I love when I come into a room and you shriek and crawl over to me. Melts my heart every single time.
The past few weeks you've been making daddy a little sad with how much you've become a mama's girl. You always have to be near me. Crawling on me, sitting with me, loving on me. I love it. Daddy...not so much. I am sure it's just a phase but I'm eating it up!
At 11 months you took your first steps. I have never been more proud. You looked so confident and like it was zero effort.
You are getting better and better every day. It is so wonderful watching you perfect a skill. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be able to do whatever you want to do in life. And have no doubt that your daddy and I will be there to support you and help you live your dreams. Walking is just a start!
Nobody says motherhood is easy and this first year has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least but every single time I see your face I know that every single bump in the road has been worth it. I would do anything for you my precious girl. This year flew by and I know the rest will too. I know our journey won't always be easy but I know we can make it through anything. So here's to year two...
p.s. today marks our year anniversary of breastfeeding...I am so happy for both of us!!
